In addition to "Me and White Supremacy", Layla has a few extra videos that are available below and I think they provide solid additional content. This has helped to frame my state of mind and ensure I don't back down from these prompts going forward, or cop out and start being less truthful or putting less emotional energy into this effort.
https://www.meandwhitesupremacybook.com/videos
https://www.meandwhitesupremacybook.com/videos
Before beginning the first prompt she made a point of saying know your WHY for doing this. My why is to stop being complicit in a system that does not align with providing basic human rights for everyone. When I'm feeling emotionally exhausted, uncomfortable, or even sick to my stomach, going back to my why makes it much easier to continue. Additionally, she mentions early on the importance of self care. Even on day 3 I'm noticing I want to stop doing the normal things I do because so much of my energy is being consumed here. I will continue to work on self care during this process so I have the energy to not back down from these prompts.
Your ego would rather paint me as the monster, than force you to see your shadow"
Tone Policing - tactic used by those who have privilege to silence those who do not, by focusing on the tone of what is being said rather than the actual content.
The purpose is to sit in what you have done, and what you have taken part in.
This is not performative. This is for you. This is so you can really get to see where you need to work.
How have you used tone policing out loud to silence, shut down, or dismiss BIPOC? What kind of words have you used to describe what tone a BIPOC should use?
I think you're reading a little bit too much into this.
Do you think this really happened because of your race, and not just happenstance?
Looking back I think my default is to not be what I have considered in the past as confrontational. I seemed to avoid confrontation thinking I might be the "bigger person" in a scenario, whereas I was literally avoiding a situation entirely, or completely minimizing what someone's feelings were in a scenario. I think I have been given the benefit of the doubt throughout my life, and I haven't been providing that to everyone. Also, going thru this I'm struggling to find specific examples to meet some of these prompts. Initially, I thought that was a positive thing because maybe that meant I wasn't being as complicit. What I think it actually means is I didn't know how unaware I was.
What tone policing thoughts have you harbored inside when you've heard BIPOC talk about race or their lived experiences, even if you didn't say them out loud?
You're making a big deal about this.
Don't you think you're blowing this out of proportion?
Below is an example that has been identified as tone policing:
This example is hard for me to process, and I think it calls out privilege in my life. Saying they're well spoken seems innocent. Hearing what someone has to say, and if its conveyed well, naturally seems it would follow with positive feedback. That would be great if everyone was given the benefit of the doubt regardless of race. It comes off insensitive, because the assumption being BIPOC are not well spoken, so you need to call it out.
How have you derailed conversations about race by focusing on how someone said something to you rather than what they said to you? Looking back now, why do you think the tone that was being used was more important to you than the content of the information being conveyed?
Conversations about race aren't easy. We don't practice talking about race openly. When these conversations arise, I am underprepared, and then I have frustrations with my inability to convey my emotions, because I haven't had practice doing it. I think I revert to fragility in those scenarios, because BIPOC have had this going on their entire lives. This is not new to them. They can articulate a message clearly and concisely, and then I am further intimated in that interaction because of first: my lack of awareness, and second: my inability to communicate because of that lack of awareness. As a defense mechanism, it's easier to digress and call out the tone, then to actually listen and digest what is being said.
How often have you made your willingness to engage in antiracism work conditional on people using the "right" tone with you?
I don't think I have even progressed this far. I have had very few antiracism conversations with anyone that has a significantly different background than myself. I think I have avoided and fled the possibility of even being in a scenario where I could have a conversation like this, and then even have an opportunity to progress independently of the tone. This is going to be an area I need to identify and improve upon as I become more vocal.
How have you discounted BIPOC's real pain over racism because the way they talk about it doesn't fit with your world view of how people should talk?
It's emotionally vibrant. It's wrought with pain. It feels aggressive from the get go, and the more I think about the more I can't imagine it not being that way. I think we're "trained" or "taught" to be rational, set aside emotion, and then converse within these constraints. That's fine and good until the topic is beyond those imposed boundaries. I am uncomfortable in those scenarios because of the emotion that is resonating out. But rather than foster and grow, or at least continue to listen, I retaliate to the low hanging fruit: the delivery of the message.
How have you discounted BIPOC in general because of the tone they use when they talk?
Why are they being so loud?
Is this is appropriate place to behave like that?
If they're going to act like that, they should go someplace else.
I don't think I ever put a racial implication to these thoughts in the past. I always thought if people were acting out of character in the given situation, that maybe they should be doing something different. That's me acting within the societal norms and values that are a part of a broken system that I need to reevaluate my perception of.